I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
