I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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