R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
These tits shall not be calmed
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
