Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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