Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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