So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
