Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
