I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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