i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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