I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
