Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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