If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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