My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
