Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize