Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
