I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
