i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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