I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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