I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
