No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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