I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Randomize
