true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
