at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
she told me i tasted like america
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Randomize
