When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
