I think I won the penis lottery.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
