yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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