I wish I could punch you in the face.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
