Got a toothbrush?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I will pee on everything he values.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
