Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
