Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
