apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
jump out the window naked night went bad
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize