I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize