I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
