we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
