I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
