i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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