Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize