everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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