Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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