to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Randomize
