just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
