thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
