We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
