from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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