i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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