who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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