What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
