Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
