I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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