If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
My liver just had a heart attack.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
