If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
