in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
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