Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
