i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
