i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
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