did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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