a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize