I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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