I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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