I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
