i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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