can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
