this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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