I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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