Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
