just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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