All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize