okay pat passed out under dana's car
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
