I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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