i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
