i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
