So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
