My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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