there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
