after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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