I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just gargled with NyQuil
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
