I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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